Scene and heard

For a few weeks, The Sundance Channel was advertising its series Iconoclasts, which brings together 2 people from different backgrounds each week. The show they thought would best attract viewers was with Mike Myers of Saturday Night Live, Wayne’s World and Austin Powers fame; and Deepak Chopra, and Indian doctor and ‘mind, body, spirit’ author.

Chopra states “each morning when I wake up, I pray that the day before me will be more uncertain than yesterday.” Now, I don’t doubt the guy’s intelligence, and based upon the number of books he has written and the number of people who fawn on his every word, he must say some things that are more sensible than this, because let’s face it, that statement is just smug bullshit! I can just see people who think they are deep nodding seriously as he imparts this particular ‘wisdom’. I would caution them that if something would sound ridiculous if spoken by John Q Public, then it is also ridiculous coming from Deepak Chopra.

Needless to say, if this was the highpoint of the program and this program was the highpoint of the series, I found something else to do with my time.

How many times have you sat on a toilet bowl in a public loo and the first (and maybe the second, third, fourth and fifth) thing that issues from you is a loud fart? Embarrassing, isn’t it? You try clenching your cheeks to lessen the chances of a follow-up. You try not pushing quite so hard. You probably don’t emerge from the cubicle until you are confident that anyone who might have heard you has left the room.

But have you ever thought about the unfortunate acoustic qualities of toilet bowls? That fart, which so embarrassed you, likely had its volume doubled. I hesitate to suggest that there ought to be sound dampeners in toilets, as damp and fart don’t sit comfortably in the same sentence. But might there be some material out there which would halve, instead of doubling the decibels of unfortunately timed audio emanations?

Could make for some interesting advertising campaigns!

I understand that many advertisers are restricted by budget as to where and when they show their commercials, but for the most part, they seem to get their demographics right.

It makes sense that there will be leaching scumbag lawyer and credit counselling commercials on daytime TV, telephone dating stuff where all the women look like porn stars on cable channels at night and obnoxious elitist bullshit on financial channels and when BBC America News is on.

But why oh why are there commercials for Christian ‘praise’ albums almost every commercial break on Fox Soccer Channel? I honestly don’t get it. How many people who are big into sports, or Football (soccer) at least, are super religious and likely to want to buy albums where the shown audiences sing along to songs with names like ‘open the eyes of my heart’ (!!!!) with their eyes closed? I think Time-Life and the others have got this wrong. If I am right, I hope they realise it soon and spend their money elsewhere, as I am really sick of them.

Each day Lou Dobbs spouts his opinions with great verve. He whips up a frenzy about illegal aliens and asks people to email their opinions. It is no surprise that most messages he reads are filled with more hate than thought. They don’t need to think. The (in his mind) great Lou Dobbs has done the thinking for them. This is one of the biggest problems in the world today. News organisations are spouting whatever brings in the adverting revenue and people eating it all up without researching.

Of course, anyone who isn’t right wing knows that Bill O’Reilly is a nasty horrible man who is as full of shit as he is of hate. They know he is on a biased ‘news’ channel which used to advertise with the slogan “we report, you decide”, but only rabid right wingers believe that lie. The people who watch this are just looking to have their already held beliefs reinforced. For me, this makes Lou Dobbs more dangerous. The channel he is on is supposed to be balanced. Many people certainly believe it to be.

Here’s a little news for those of you who think the illegal alien situation is easy to solve. It isn’t! And the main effect of the constant barrage coming from a trusted news source is that bigots feel license to spout their vitriol and some people without strong opinions are allowing their opinions to be formed for them, so hatred is increasing. Hatred is a negative emotion. Nothing good and lasting ever came out of negative emotions.

So I ask those without firmly held beliefs on this or any other subject to surf the web. Think for yourselves. Do not let Lou Dobbs tell you the absolute truth. He no more knows everything than you or I. He is a narcissist. If he knows so much and is so right about everything that he can belittle politicians so derisively, let him run for an office. How would he bear up under close scrutiny and attacks from opponents and reporters?

I was there on Thursday with Hannah. I like it. It’s the only place I’ve been to in America where they have a choice of fish (Cod, Haddock and Plaice), and they do it nicely. And the chips are English style. It’s also the only place in America where I have ever seen Blackthorn Cider, my favourite alcoholic bevy. And it’s on tap!

As we were ordering, a woman introduced herself. She works for The Travel Channel, and they are doing a documentary on fried foods. Would we mind talking on camera? “No!” We signed the release form, but the camera crew were in the kitchen so long, I finished eating by the time they got into the restaurant, and they only wanted to interview people who had food in front of them. Hannah said that at one point, she was on camera popping a chip in her mouth, while the mic. was hovering over my head, capturing me talking about African food. I shall have to look out for the program. I wonder if we’ll make the cut!

These are shown on BBC America WAY too frequently. There are two of them, which alternate.

Commercial 1
Two men in suits, eating: “Some see Breakfast, we see Research”
Walking towards a Private Jet: “Some see Privileged, we see Customised Solutions”
Grandfather and grandson in a small boat, fishing: “Some see Two Generations, we see Succession Planning”

Commercial 2
Men in an empty warehouse: “Some see Start-up, we see Research”
A game of golf: “Some see Competition, we see Partnership”
By now my brain is numb and the pictures aren't sinking in: “Some see Successful Business, we see Wealth Protection”

These commercials are so fucking smug, they make me want to hurl.

Last Sunday, November 4th, I saw a commercial for Riddex Plus for the first time. “It’s Summer! And that means…..” Slight problem with the timing there guys. As with all such commercials, there is a bobbing head blonde, but she isn’t the annoying one. That honour belongs to the 50’ish woman who, just like any real person would, says: “Riddex [pause for effect; shrug shoulders; grin stupidly] (fake smile in voice) makes me happy!” She’s easy to please, eh!

I have looked up various websites in research for this blog entry, and most people seem to say that they work. I have to admit though, when the commercial stated that the device uses Motorola technology, I had my doubts. How many mice or cockroaches have you ever seen carrying mobile phones!!!!! And do they speak the same language? What is “Get out of my f#%$ing house or else I’ll kill you” in cockroach? Doctor Doolittle is apparently alive and well!!

(FYI: I know it really works with electric impulses, but they’re not funny!)

What do I know about Guiseppe Franco? He is a hairdresser with a ridiculous hairstyle. He is a bad actor, whose surprise greeting hug with Gary Busey is about as impromptu as a standing ovation during a State of the Union address. He seems to obsess about “the appearance of thicker hair”. Either, he charges $450 to administer ‘Procede’ to his clients or he’s a liar. The product is available, along with ‘free’ shampoo and conditioner, for $19.95, so if Mr. Franco really does charge $450, his clients are incredibly stupid. The commercial ends with him saying: "I'm Guiseppe Franco......" Well, I guess someone has to be!

So what does he get out of these commercials, considering, as he assures us 15 times a night, “I don’t own anything about this company”? He now has name recognition. So although he only has the one salon in Beverly Hills, he is now taking applications for franchises. Yes, it’s true! You can franchise the Guissepe Franco name! I bet the phones are ringing off the hook!

I have often wondered if Americans, alone in the English speaking world, say the last letter of the alphabet as ‘zee’ because of the ‘abc’ song. Let’s face it, ‘zed’ doesn’t rhyme with ‘vee’!

Similarly, I have wondered about the season which we in the UK and elsewhere know as Autumn. Yes, I know leaves fall from trees, and I certainly presumed the name Fall to be attributed to this. But there is this little slogan to remember which way to change clocks in Spring and Autumn – a constant source of confusion for many people I have known elsewhere, but people here seem to have no such problem. Spring forward, Fall back. What if the name Fall is because you can’t come up with a memorable slogan using the word Autumn, and my original presumption was wrong all along!

But last night, another thought came to me: Fall back? The only time people ever fall backwards is if they skid on something very slippery, like ice. I have no idea of the percentages, but I would wager that a large majority of falls are in fact, forward! I decided to follow my thought process. What of springs? If I sit on sprung chair, or lay on a spring mattress, what do the springs do when I stand up? They spring BACK – not forward. So correctly, the slogan should be Spring back, Fall forward. However, this wouldn’t mean anything to anyone, including me! It certainly wouldn’t help anyone remember which direction to change their clocks! So, although this well known slogan which people entirely take for granted, is actually the reverse of the way things work, I propose that we keep it!

(Afterthought: Spring up, fall down, anybody? Maybe doesn't have the same ring, but at least it holds up under examination!)