Saturday, June 17, 2006

 

Susan

No details as they are private. But I have met a truly wonderful, funny, brilliant, sweet, lovely, beautiful, so sexy woman with a heart of pure gold and am smitten. No more cyber dating for me!

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Double chins and tasteless rings

On Friday, June 16th, I went into the City after work to meet my daughter, who was taking me out a little belatedly for my birthday. On the PATH train into Penn Station, I couldn’t help but notice a rather spherically shaped woman sitting opposite me. In her restful pose, her second chin came perhaps 2 inches below her shoulder; it’s distance from the original proving that once there was a neck. I was rapt in a form of morbid fascination, watching this enormous double chin vibrate to the motion of the train and reminded of a colleague from 1987, whose name I purposely withhold. She would constantly take drinks of water from the fountain near my desk, and run down one woman for wearing cheap clothes, another for having a shiny forehead (I shit you not) and another for being classless. All the while, below her shiny forehead, her shall we say amply padded face and enormous multiple chins, water droplets glistening as they slowly headed downwards towards freedom, would wobble violently, and I found it impossible to look away from this spectacle . She would actually tell people that she became skinny once, but didn’t like that men only paid attention to her for her body and not her mind, so she purposely put her weight back on. And everyone believed her!

The same evening, on the N Train into Brooklyn, there was a man wearing a ring on every finger except for his ring finger, each a cheap, oversized brass, with most unattractive green inlays. Do they give knuckle dusters in cereal boxes nowadays? Between the rings and the two equally attractive bracelets he was wearing, he probably spent as much as for a pair of silver hooped earrings on Canal Street. Clearly, a man of taste!

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The Vitamin Shoppe

In The Vitamin Shoppe on June 11th, I had got my Glucosamine and my Green Vibrance and the assistant asked if I needed anything else:

“Yes actually. The stuff for memories”
“Gingko Biloba?”
“Yes, that’s it.”
(smiling) “Maybe you need a higher dosage!”

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Doris the snake

Also on June 11th, I met my friend Danielle and her friend whose name escapes me. We sat on a bench on 5th Avenue and 84th Street in Brooklyn, across from a Lebanese restaurant that was having a party – very lively and great music. Danielle noticed something and I turned to see a man with a snake wrapped around him. We stopped him and his girlfriend. She, apparently, is not a big fan of Doris – a 7’ plus, 40 lb plus Red Tailed Boa Constrictor. Obviously, Derek revelled in the attention.

I watched in great amusement, the expression on people’s faces as they approached. One middle aged woman pushing a stroller almost scraped herself against the building wall in her attempt to get as far as possible from Doris. As she drew level, she broke into a short sprint. 3 young girls, perhaps 13 years of age, stopped. 2 of them were scared, the other, fascinated. She had pictures taken of herself with Doris wrapped around her and later kissed the snakes head.

I was desperate not to forget the detail and asked a passing woman if she had a pen. I’m guessing she was about 80, but very sprightly with beautiful skin and eyes and a mischievous smile. Danielle was dancing. The woman I stopped said that if I danced, she would also – but I didn’t. On her way back a few minutes later, she smiled, looked at my companions and said: “Is this guy bothering you? I can call the cops!”

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Birthday night out

On my birthday, Trish took me to see No Child – a one woman play, written by the actor. It is about New York schools and both funny and disturbing. Mayor Bloomberg needs to see this. We went from there to St. Andrew’s pub – one of the few places I have discovered here with Strongbow on tap. And what else is special about this place? All the staff wear kilts and Roger remembers the names of all of the women, who just love him. And if you’re lucky, there will be a folk group playing.

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'Irish' cider

When I first moved here in 1980, it was very hard to find cider in any pub. Now, many have ‘Irish’ cider called Magners. In over 4 months in Dublin from 2001 to 2002, I found no such thing as Irish cider. Over there, if they drink cider, it’s Bulmers or Strongbow! It turns out that Magners is really just Bulmers (English), relabelled.

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Thames Street cafe

Approaching Thames Street in Downtown Manhattan, I could hear a really nice string quartet playing. Each summer, this block, which stretches from Broadway to Church Street, is turned into a street café. Approaching, the ambiance seems wonderful, but drawing almost level, I noticed, in pride of place on a high stand, a bottle of Heinz Ketchup, and in an instant, the illusion was shattered!

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The Nosebleed

This is an old memory, dating to 1988. I was on a subway platform in Brooklyn, waiting for a 4 train to take me to Bowling Green, where I was going to see a Head-hunter. I blew my nose, apparently somewhat too hard and it bled and wouldn’t stop. On the train, a young man who looked like a Medical Student, motioned for me to tilt my head backwards and pinch the bridge of my nose. A short while later, a middle aged Hispanic man rushed over to me, handed me a penny, and motioned that I should put it in the centre of my forehead. In a split second I just thought ‘what the hell! It might look stupid, but nothing else has worked.’ So I did as he suggested. A very short while later, the bleeding stopped. Please, dear reader, don’t think I am proposing a penny in the centre of one’s forehead as the ultimate cure for nosebleeds.

Anyway! I got to Bowling Green and asked the Token Booth attendant directions to the address I needed to get to. He gave a look – well, this is New York and you take a certain amount of attitude in your stride – and the requested directions. When I got to the office, I asked the receptionist where the Men’s Room was. She quizzically responded. I stepped into the room, looked in the mirror, and you guessed it, there was the penny still firmly in place! When I returned, I said to the receptionist: “I bet you were wondering why there was a penny in the middle of my forehead!”

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Sunday, June 04, 2006

 

Never happened before and will never happen again...

Some months back, while in a cubicle in the Men’s room at my previous job, two colleagues walked in. One of them made a comment about how nice it smelled in there. It was all I could do to not laugh! I had been mostly thinking about my curry dinner the previous evening. So who says my shit doesn’t smell sweet?!!!

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Only in New York?

Seen in the Times Square Subway Station: A man playing the saw with a violin bow, accompanied by recorded music. He had multiple CDs on sale. Naturally, I bought one of each and will play them the next time I have guests! So when are you coming over?

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Age is just a number

Zydeco night at Connolly's Pub on 45th Street: This is so much fun I will go again. There is a group of regulars aged from about 30 up to an amazing 79 year old man, fleet of foot on the dance floor and looking at least 15 years younger than his age. One man was probably 60 something - difficult to tell due to the wig that made him look rather strange - and one of the two best male dancers there. The other was probably not much younger. 3 women stood out for their dancing: one of perhaps 30, another around 40 - maybe the best dancer I've ever seen; and the hottest woman in the place - Nadia - a striking, 60+ Polish woman wearing the most risqué outfit there and carrying it off.

If you like dancing and are up for a fun evening, check out the website letszydeco.com. There is a different band each time and the dances are once a month, on a Sunday. They might even let you play the washboard for a song, if you ask!

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