Saturday, August 26, 2006

 

I believe you!

At the gym last Wednesday, Soni, the instructor, was in rare mood. This was her final class before going on a cruise. And she worked us good! When it came to the calf and thigh exercises, right leg first, she threw in several twists and was clearly having fun deciding the next exercise as she went along. I joked that she would never remember the whole sequence for the left leg. The ensuing banter had everyone laughing. Previously, she ran us through a number exercises with weights without any break in between and I had commented that we weren’t going on vacation. She said that the tougher class was nothing to do with her going away. And I believed her! I believed her as much as I believed a letter I got from the NY Department of Motor Vehicles in the winter of 1994/5.

It had snowed, and alternate side parking rules were suspended. I needed to drive into the City that day and parked on a West Side street that was lined both sides with cars. I asked a nearby building guard if it was OK for me to park there (like he’d know!). When I got back 2 hours later, each car had a parking ticket. I contested mine, on the grounds that if normal parking rules were suspended, no tickets should be written. This seemed logical to me. I do know not to expect logic from Government Agencies. Honest, I do! But that doesn’t mean that the lack of it never frustrates me! I got a response some time later that I have kept to this day, it was so nonsensical. I paraphrase: “We are overturning this ticket. It has nothing to do with the case made in your letter. Rather, we found irregularities with the way the ticket was written.” As I recall, my reaction at the time contained sarcastic, incredulous laughter and a liberal sprinkling of expletives.

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Bad Walking #3

As I exited my Wall Street office building, a large group of women were heading away from Broadway in the direction of Broad Street. Proving that I am not a real New Yorker, I waited for my moment navigate through this crowd, none of whom showed any awareness that others shared this pavement with them. When a small gap appeared, I took my chance, walking at a slight angle towards the pedestrian only street. And with each little step I took, these women kept on going street-side around me, even stepping into the street, blocking my way. And where were they headed? Towards the building I just exited! It might just have been easier for them to walk building side of me. Perhaps it isn’t just Government Agencies I should expect no logic from!

How many times have I just stopped in my tracks and let the people headed towards me walk around me! Early this week, I was walking in a straight line, headed directly for a lamppost on Wall Street, which I intended to sidestep when the space appeared for me to safely do so. I misguidedly thought this to be the path of least resistance. A man angled into my path, then headed directly for me. Last week, a lovely, sweet, happy family of tourists, oblivious to people (me) walking towards them, were walking hand-in-hand, Sound of Music style (minus the singing), stretched across the entire pavement by the World Trade Center. I sometimes ask myself if I am invisible and frequently fail to comprehend how so many people can be so totally oblivious to their surroundings and/or have such lousy spatial perception.

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Friday, August 25, 2006

 

Question to a bad walker

Some years back, I asked a particularly reckless walker if he drove the same way as he walked. He told me to go fuck myself!

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Friday, August 18, 2006

 

Lypozene

I just saw a commercial for an ‘amazing’ new product, for people who have considered liposuction and are willing to be parted from large amounts of their cash – the product is proudly claimed to be expensive, but worth it. I won’t bore you with the predictable claims made by the so sincere and knowledgeable cut priced actress who was transfixed to the teleprompter. What I found amazing is that this capsule was discovered by scientists. That should have made every newspaper, news broadcast and medical journal and many websites. That is just so huge! Scientists discovered a capsule!! I had no idea that capsules were naturally occurring phenomena! I feel so stupid!

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A political statement

One thing that happens in New York, is that when Foreign Dignitaries visit an area, all of the homeless are moved somewhere. I thought of this as I sat in Bowling Green (near Battery Park) to eat my lunch and was relieved that some of the regular folks weren’t there – a couple of them really smell. But as I was taking the lid off my salad, a whiff came my way. And the whiff rapidly grew into a full-scale stench. At first, I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from, but then I looked at the grass behind me and saw a man sleeping who clearly shouldn’t be on the streets. And my mind wandered back to the early 80’s.

Back then Ronald Reagan pushed through cost cutting measures that resulted in tens of thousands of mentally ill people being turfed out of psychiatric hospitals and onto the streets. Authorities in some other towns, even in other states, dealt with this new wave of homelessness by giving them bus tickets to New York. It got really bad. In the mid 80’s, Ronnie’s friend Maggie, never one to let a little Human misery get in the way of a good cost cutting opportunity, decided that this was such a good idea, that she achieved the same thing for England – although I don’t think there were any free bus tickets over there. The new homeless weren’t ill – they were mostly young, disaffected and unemployed, at a time of record youth unemployment and disaffection. What she did was to overturn a long-standing law by which anyone who presented themselves to the correct local government agency claiming that they were homeless, had to be offered accommodation. Until then, the British homeless were mostly voluntary and drunks – not so affectionately known as winos.

Back to today. I think that a significant percentage of the people who never wash are ill. I wish there was enough Humanity in Government that caring for those who cannot care for themselves was not considered to be a waste of public funds and that people who are left to roam from one month to the next, except when they are moved in order to create a false – sorry, good impression for the VIP guests, were taken care of with the dignity that they surely deserve.

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Bad Walking #2

A couple of weeks ago, I left my office on Wall Street and headed for my bank at the corner of Wall and Broadway. A woman wheeling a suitcase behind her was in a huge hurry. She cut across my path but I was equal to her, just stopping my stride in time to avoid some sore toes. The guy just in front of me wasn’t so lucky. She got him, and good, then sped along Broadway, scattering all before her.

After reading my first such submission, a manager here at Banc (sic) of America Specialist said that I failed to mention the swervers – people who seem to drift aimlessly. You move to the right to pass them and they do the same. You move to the left and they anticipate you again. It recently took me a couple of hundred yards on a busy lower Broadway to get past such a person. So Alex, consider it mentioned.

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Some people just don't get it

Another subway journey to forget, that I won’t….. The R train I caught last night had cars with bench seats. Each bench can supposedly seat 6, but because so many people have such an aversion to being in the general proximity of others – I wonder why they are in New York(!) – the numbers are frequently less. On this occasion, there were 3 women who sell kids things around the city. They had a trolley with a large box on it, in the middle of the gangway. One of them was just a little larger than average in girth, if not height. But comparing her to her friends, she was a mere slip of a thing! The woman sitting next to her was certainly in the top percentile of obesity. Across from them sat a woman who made this woman look quite small. She had a small box to her right, which was the end of the bench. At first, I thought she was doing her impersonation of those guys who pretend that their penises are so large that they can’t get their knees within 2 feet of each other, then I realised that she couldn’t get them any closer if she tried! She had been taking up 3 seats until I asked her, ever so politely, to excuse me as I sat. She squeezed into a mere two seats to accommodate me. It was a little tight! And then the conversations began.

At first, the smaller one was talking across the gangway with another passenger. Then size 6xl joins in. Between her and the passenger were me and the woman to my left. And because mere conversation wouldn’t be quite annoying enough, tiny then started reaching across me and my book with pen, paper and cards that were being passed between them. There are times when I would have said something. But I have learned a valuable lesson in recent years. The ignorant always think everyone else is to blame for everything. So unless you are up for a fight, keep your mouth shut.

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Annoying sound

As much as I hate the sound of grunting and nail clippers, this is the sound I find most annoying….

Two people who work near me are (wide) open-mouthed gum chewers. One of these sits very close. The other, although in an office and perhaps 4 or 5 yards from me, is obviously aiming for Guinness World Record status. I absolutely cannot abide this sound. When I used to chew, I did so with my mouth closed, as is the customary manner in England. I was surprised when I first came here to discover so many people showing their wad to the world and am happy that their numbers have dwindled over the years. Perhaps someone might please respond to this and explain to me what I must have been missing when I chewed with my mouth closed. Don’t these people hear their own chewing? Do they never hear other people doing it? Do they only think it annoying when others do it?

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Friday, August 11, 2006

 

Big man!

I was heading home with my Polish takeaway food when I heard tire screeching. I looked and saw a souped-up car doing a 360 at a 3-way intersection, at least a little faster than was sensible. More screeching ensued. I heard the word “prick” emanate from my person, followed, a few yards away, by a comment from a man who was crossing the road at the time. I didn’t hear what he said, but the man he was crossing with, dripping with sarcasm, said, “I’m impressed!” This guy obviously had the wrong audience. Only his fellow morons would be impressed with such a show.

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

 

More on hygiene

All restaurant toilets in the US have signs informing their staff that they must wash their hands – some suggest that this be done with soap and water. Sorry to gross you folks out, but this doesn’t go far enough. How many times have you seen people leave without washing their hands, or come out of a cubicle and wave their hands under the water briefly? I have heard this latter action described as giving the germs a bath! There are studies that show door handles to be dirty, and the ones on the inside of toilets to be easily the dirtiest of them. This is why I am far from alone in using a paper towel (or my shirt, if paper towels aren’t available) when grabbing this particular handle. There is no such suggestion for kitchen staff, who then handle the food that unsuspecting diners eat. Either the law should be amended that staff must wash their hands in a basin outside of the toilet or they must also use something other than their hands to grab the handle with. Gloves may be an answer, but they still have to touch them in order to put them on. I believe e-coli can live happily on latex for long enough to do some damage!

I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my liberal use of the word toilet. I have yet to find a restaurant with a bath tub or shower and refuse to use the term rest room – I may sometimes leave them feeling relieved, but never rested! Just so that you know, I also use the term 'toilet paper' instead of the sanitised ‘bathroom tissue’!!!

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

 

Yuck!

The last time I went to the Duane Reed by Bay Ridge Avenue Station, I thought myself silly for walking from one end of the platform at Rector Street Station, where I start my commute home, to the other, as this brings me out 3 blocks from my chosen destination. I noted that if I walked a third of the way down, I could exit a mere one block away, at 68th Street. So today I did just that. I will never do so again. It seems that this exit is more frequently used as a urinal. Entirely disgusting! And as I walked up those stairs, I determined that I would take off my shoes outside my front door and disinfect the soles before even putting them on my floor. I used to be blissful in my lack of pondering on and contemplation of such disgustingness. Until, that is, I encountered a nameless person who has OCD and will undoubtedly call me and accuse me of the same affliction upon reading this. As I walked in, I thought of all the times I have stood in front of office urinals. Men who swear that they can miss a toilet seat (while undoubtedly recognising that no other man has this skill), frequently miss this easy target. And I step in the evidence of their futility. Thank you, o nameless one!

I am reminded of a usually misquoted, classic toilet sign: "We aim to please. You aim too, please!"

And being me, a previously archived, amusing memory popped into my head: I was working for Pershing in the mid 90’s, when they put ‘targets’ in the urinals. These had rings with numbers on. I joked that we ought to hold tournaments with accuracy and distance competitions. One of the senior managers was mightily amused by this and we became friendly after that. So wouldn’t you know that a few months after I left that company after a 7 ½ year stay, he took over as Director of IT! Had I stayed, perhaps my career there would have moved out of neutral!

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Monday, August 07, 2006

 

Five great days

These were as good as it gets. My friend Rob, who I first met in Erie in 1979, and who lived in New York and was one of the essential parts of my old crowd in 1980 and 81, came into town from Pittsburgh with his wife and daughter. I contacted two others from the crowd – Carolyn, my former roommate and Arline, who introduced me to her. 3 of the old gang got together on Wednesday, and the four of us plus Ram, Arline’s husband, ate Ethiopian food on Thursday. It was the first time we had all been together since 1981. We were joined by Hannah, Rob's wife Siew Hui, and her cousin. His daughter was out on the town. Such a pity Frank, who introduced me to Arline, couldn’t be contacted. He would have completed the core group. Then I would have wished the two Garys – one from Erie who went to college in Philly, the other from London, our frequent guest members - had been there.

Then on Friday it was off to Scranton to meet Susan’s parents. What lovely people. What an amazing couple. They have been married for 65 (sixty-five!) years, and although Tony is now in a home and Alberta is frail, they are so wonderful together. I hope they are around to see their girl get married. I know they sacrificed for her. I told them that they did good!

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