Scene and heard

Leaving the office today, I got into an empty elevator that reeked of B.O. My thoughts, in quick succession, were:

What a stink?
How badly must the person who left this here have stunk?
Good thing for me he wasn’t in here at the same time as me if this how bad his legacy smells!
What if someone gets in the elevator now? They’ll automatically presume it’s me that smells!
If someone does, should I tell them it wasn’t me?
No. They probably would think I’m merely embarrassed and also a complete loser.

Then that old sod Murphy had his inevitable say. One floor down, on the 20th, someone got in. He had iPod earbuds in and did a good impersonation of some who hadn’t noticed me. I kept quiet.

Standing on the Brooklyn-bound platform at Rector Street station today along with an unexpected number of people for after 6pm, I was greatly heartened by the announcement that “Brooklyn-bound express service on the 4 and 5 trains has resumed.” I would have been more heartened had the announcement been about the R train, which under normal circumstances is the only train from that station that ventures into Brooklyn.

Cholest Off has a caption that people who take this product reduce their cholesterol between 4 and 24%. The voiceover claims the reduction is “up to 24%, on average”. Sorry folks, it is either ‘up to’ or an average. Somehow, misuse of the language pisses me off more than the shameless misrepresentation of ‘facts’.

There’s the home business commercial that has played a couple of times an hour for the last year. Several actors, doing the worst, most insincere impersonations of ‘real’ people, tell us of the huge amounts of money they make - 5, 7 and even $20k per month - doing almost nothing, while a caption informs us that these results are not typical!!! They stand in front of huge, expensive homes and nice cars. One guy loves his life style. He is holding a dry sponge and wearing spotless clothes, in front of his gleaming, freshly cleaned and apparently waxed car.

There’s the hair product “Gives the appearance of thicker hair.” Note, there is no claim of actual thicker hair. A caption in the smallest writing tells us: “Statements not verified”, as a series of actors tell us that their hair is real. About as convincing as a skinny model promoting a diet pill or a health club with only gorgeous women members..

And where do the “but wait! If you call now we’ll double your order” commercials get their ‘values’ from? “You get all this, a $120 value, for only $14.99!” Is anyone actually stupid enough to believe these claims?

And how does the guy in the 'Select Dental' commercial manage to speak while smiling that broadly and displaying his entire upper set of teeth?

And why does the Oxy Clean guy have to shout everything he says?

Last but not least, I am happy that the supplies finally appear to have run out for the most dreadfully acted commercial ever. An employee wants to quit his job to get rich, but he has no plan. The boss ‘interrupts’ his employee in mid sentence, a full second after the employee stops talking. Then on comes this self made millionaire, giving away his secrets. No bloody wonder he had to give them away. If he has such a poor grasp of advertising, who would actually pay? After a year of this nonsense, I thought the supplies would outlast me!

Much of Downtown Manhattan has been undergoing major road work since my return to the USA in Feb’ 05. A major reason is concern about old, decaying water and sewerage systems. As sections of Lower Broadway are down to one lane, the traffic can get quite bad. During the evening rush hour, a traffic cop is usually stationed at the light by Rector Street. I would have thought her job would be to keep traffic and pedestrians flowing optimally. WRONG! I have seen vehicles go through red lights right in front of her and she didn’t blink. Several times, I have seen her wave vehicles on after they stopped, because they didn’t have enough room to fit between the next vehicle and the crossing. On one of these occasions, she waved a bus into less than 10 feet of space. I walked about 20 feet behind the crossing to get around it. Many others walked single file in front of it. Her presence doesn’t help the traffic flow. It positively hinders pedestrians. Might she not be better employed elsewhere?

This is going to have some people thinking I’m a bigot, which I’m not. What I am, is someone who feels that being quiet when things obviously aren’t right, does nobody any good. I think that those who presume that just because I speak out, I am bigoted, are a cause of much unhappiness both among those they seek to quiet and those they wish to protect and that condescension and coddling are their own form of bigotry.

It pisses me off that so many food places in Manhattan ‘save money’ by hiring people who can’t speak English. One morning last week, I went to a place by Rector Street subway station to try their coffee. I don’t like regular light roast coffee. The choices were regular, flavoured and espresso. I asked if they could do an Americano. The young lady thought I was asking her if she was American. I tried to explain what I wanted, but her expression was blank. I gave up and went to a salad/soup/breakfast joint on Exchange Place: “Can I have a Large French Roast, black please?” “What size would you like?” Wow! They have different sizes of large? I repeated my order and received a large French Vanilla with milk. On the second attempt, I received a large black coffee, but if that was French Roast, they need to change their supplier!

I went to a sandwich place for lunch. The guy adding in the ‘fixings’, didn’t understand anything. I asked for “everything in this row”, pointing at the onions and sweet and hot peppers. He gave me the onions. “Both types of peppers also please.” He gives me the hot ones, but all in one place. “The other type also.” He starts removing the first type. With everything I said, he tried something while looking at me to see if that was right. After a while, I gave up.

I love the diversity to be found here. America is what it is because of the immigrants who have come here throughout its history. But for fucks sake! Some jobs need at least a minimal command of the language! These business owners save money and lose customers

There is a great cartoon showing an overweight, out-of-shape man looking in the mirror and seeing an Adonis. Beneath it is a caption of a woman with a perfect body that she is seeing as obese. It is easy to see where these stereotypes come from. However, I have found the exception:

The larger a woman’s backside, the smaller she apparently sees herself and the worse her depth perception becomes – at least judging by the spaces she is likely to try to squeeze into on public transportation. How many times have I seen a space barely big enough for the skinniest of waifs, only to see an overly healthy woman attempt to fit into it? It may be plain that her derrière is 3 times larger than the space available, but when all average sized people refuse to embarrass themselves by even attempting to sit there, she will terrify the incumbents of bordering seats, scattering them where possible; over-spilling them when not, and sit with defiance and apparent dignity. She will betray no discomfort – which is something that is unlikely to be said of her new neighbours.

If I were paranoid, I would think that these women only sit next to me. But I have seen them do it to others and realise that probably less than 90% actually do sit next to me

When shit is flying, turn off the fan

On 3 occasions, I have seen Susan’s dog Truman have problems finishing his doings. Being an obviously pragmatic sort, he ends his torment by wiping his butt on the sidewalk, thus removing the reluctant turd. Today I saw a Yorkie in the familiar crouch position, walking and leaving little pellets every foot or two. Sorry to all you statisticians, I didn’t stay around to count them all.

For the second time now, I have seen a woman on Wall Street carrying a banner proclaiming: “Only Catholics go to Heaven”. Her male companion attempts to hand out glossy leaflets. Fucking hypocrites piss me off. They can murder and rape as can people no matter their religion and their Priests can molest young boys, but just as long as they accept Jesus before they die, off to heaven they go. How nice for them! Pity for the other religions that they don’t have anything quite that convenient! Apart from which, I watch South Park, so I know that it is really only Mormons who go to Heaven!

I had to work late for the third Wednesday in a row, but this time I got out at 9pm, so didn’t bother with a Limo. Moments after I entered Rector Street Station, there was an announcement that due to an earlier problem, no R trains were running into Brooklyn. I thought I was lucky when a very full Q train arrived a minute later. It was running on the R track part of the way, at which point I could catch the R. We pulled part way into Dekalb Avenue and stopped. As we then slowly rolled towards the end of the platform, the R that had been sitting across the platform started to pull away. I see this annoying practice frequently in the rush hour, but at that time of the evening, R trains (to regulars, the R stands for rarely) run every 15 minutes. To make it worse, the majority of the people on the Q train had obviously wanted to catch it. Bastards! As a former bus driver, I’m aware of the stress that can be caused by nasty and condescending commuters, but these people bring some of it on themselves with their thoughtlessness.

So I’m not going to get crazy about all of this stuff, but my nameless OCD friend has put a few thoughts in my head which my mind has taken a couple of steps further. Here goes:

A person puts their shoes on the seat next to them on the bus or subway. This person has walked in the dirty streets where dog owners scoop up more tangible evidence of their pet’s doings. They have been in public lavatories, where careless and disgusting people have soiled the floor tiles. These germs are now transferred to the seat.
You sit on this seat. The germs are now on your pants, skirt or dress, or if you are a teen with a knee length shirt, the germs are on your shirt.
You go home and sit on your couch….
You stretch out to relax and perhaps your head touches the couch.
(This progression falls down in cooler weather when coats are worn)

I ran the above scenario by my daughter, who offered another couple of thoughts:

You put on your night clothes.
You sit or stretch out on the couch.
You go to bed.
15th hand dog shit, urine and spit are now in your bed.
(This is not a problem is you sleep au naturale)

Pleasant dreams!

For the last year, I have worked in offices with really good, free coffee. Alas, on Monday of this week, the French Roast had run out, so I stopped off at Klatch on Maiden Lane, my favourite coffee place – not convenient to my usual commute, but barely out of the way from the WTC. As I stopped to put my sugar in, another person stopped to add her milk. In all of the many times I have shared these counters with people, I have only ever once seen someone place the lid down so that the drinking spout wasn’t directly touching the counter. People put bags and other things on these counters. With all the best will in the world, they can’t be germ free. Place the lid the other way around! Can so few people have thought of this?

Some other things I don’t get. Please feel free to either explain them or suggest your own entries. Hopefully, this list will grow:

Decaffeinated Breakfast Blend Coffee
Low-fat Pastrami
Mild Vindaloo

On September 11th, I commuted from Hoboken into work, instead of Brooklyn. As I exited the PATH Station at the World Trade Center, I was confronted with a very large banner stretched out by several men, proclaiming that “9/11 was engineered by the Bush Administration”. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am neither a fan of the current President or of his administration. But this is annoying ignorance. I was reminded by a colleague that there are some highly educated Arabs who swear up and down that the whole thing was a Jewish plot. I find educated ignorance to be the most annoying thing. No matter what facts might be presented, some people will always expend huge amounts of energy to refute the obvious and the proven.

Yesterday was my first day back at work after a 4-day weekend, spent with Susan. We went to visit her ailing parents in Scranton – a good visit, but very sad – then had a couple of days to ourselves, sort of! Truman was with us. Damn! That dog can fart and snore! But he is lovely!

As the day began, I was very tired. I was just about to leave, shortly after 5pm, when my manager related that the overall project manager had requested that I join in a test on the floor of the Stock Exchange. I did this last week also. It is interesting being there, but I didn’t much fancy the 11:30pm end time. But I went. As with last week, they paid for a Limo ride home.

The driver had the ultimate stereotypical Polish Jewish New York accent, the like of which I haven’t heard for years except in joke telling. Wonderful! He had been in the country since 1946, his family having escaped the Nazis in 1940. The initial conversation was interesting and the drive, exactly what you might worst fear from a 70 year old. He didn’t so much merge onto the BQE as force his way into traffic. I heard a screeching of brakes and watched the car behind get to with 2 feet of us. At the same time, the truck in the next lane angrily blasted its horn a couple of times. His conversation then switched to impatient Truck Drivers and how they cause so many accidents. Nothing about his mistake which so nearly caused one! I hope he retires soon and I hope he isn’t the driver next time I have to work late!