Scene and heard

1. The biggest liberty takers are the first and loudest to complain about perceived wrongs.

2. To an arsehole, everyone in the world is a wanker.

3. Truth and weather have two major things in common: They don’t care if you don’t like them and being upset with them won’t change them.

4. Turning a blind eye to the truth is no more effective than a young child covering their face and thinking that nobody can see them! And considerably less excusable!

5. The cause of all war, prejudice and misunderstanding is that you are not me (and vice versa).

6. Never go to an elevator bank too hungry when headed out to lunch - it will take forever to arrive!

7. Complaining to colleagues in pantries or toilets never changed anything.

8. Beauty is not skin deep; it is inside.

9. Our bodies try to purge destructive parasitic organisms. The Earth is a body. Humans are destructive parasitic organisms.

10. While standing at a urinal, a man can fart as loud as he needs to - but he can’t pick his nose.

Some time back, I had first hand evidence that the MTA doesn’t, in fact, care about what its passengers think. I felt I had cause to complain about their service and did so. (For details of the incident, see: A Swipe at the MTA, dated September 16th) They used to claim that they cared about what their passengers (they call us customers *) think. I couldn’t find this statement on their website prior to writing this. I received a form response, even though this was available verbatim on their website, and didn’t fit my complaint. My complaint about the response was ignored.

A little over a week ago, I found the lie in their current slogan: “We’re serious about safety – your safety”. The stairs at Bay Ridge Avenue Station are not usually shovelled after snow in anything like a timely manner. On Saturday, March 17th, there was a fair amount of snow. By the time I used the station at about 1:30pm, the storm had passed; many people had already cleared paths in front of their properties and many others were struggling to do so.

The stairs to the station had been untouched. I held tight to the railing, and on the first step, my foot went out from under me. I went down the rest of the way holding on with both hands. Relieved at having made it down in one piece, and angry that doing so was so treacherous, I told the employee who was leaving the toll booth exactly how dangerous those stairs were and the likelihood that the MTA would be faced with a hefty lawsuit if somebody got hurt. He looked at me as if I was from another planet, then continued on his way without saying a word. The woman in the booth said she had called it in and was very nice. I told her I was horrified at the attitude of her colleague, and thanked her.

* When I worked for Arriva Buses in London, they insisted that calling passengers Customers proves a greater commitment to ‘customer’ service. I strongly disagreed. I don’t know what focus groups these people question, but they aren’t real people. Passenger is more personal. It more closely reflects what I am. True, I give them my money, but they carry me to my destination and will hopefully do so safely and decently. Dehumanise me, and cattle trucks with long delays might seem more acceptable (to them). When I worked in a shoe shop as a teenager, buyers were my customers. When I drove buses, I drove passengers, whatever my employer said. Their lives were in my hands. I would be happy if the MTA had the same attitude.

I saw an article in this morning’s AM New York about the tiny studios being offered in New York as starter homes – some as small as 100 square feet (a snip at only $1100 a month – where else could you get a rent like that on the Upper West Side?!!!). It reminded me of a property I saw in Barnet, just north of London, while I was driving buses.

On a triangular traffic island between High Road and a major intersecting road (I never knew the name), sat a single story rectangular building, typical of London’s old Public Toilets. Indeed, it used to be a Public Toilet. But some enterprising person in the Council decided that what with the property market being as insane as it was 3 years ago, rather than knock the thing down, sell it to the highest bidder as a home. I often wondered how I might advertise it, if I was an Estate Agent:

“One-of-a-kind starter home: Fully detached bungalow (Americans should know that in England, that’s a good thing! It means simply, a single story house.) with excellent plumbing, 2 bathrooms and his ‘n’ her entrances….”

There is current ad for Optonline, where that cable provider attempts to woo small businesses with some ‘proprietary information’:

“You can save up to 60%” over your current bills for voice and data. Some people get it. “Those that don’t are paying 60% more than they need to.”

OK. I don’t suppose too many listeners will have picked up on the incompatibility of the figures mentioned, and any readers of this will probably think I’m being picky – ‘why let it bother you’ I can hear people say! But it actually amounts to false and perhaps illegal advertising. To explain, if you currently pay $100, a saving of 60% would have you paying $40 (sentence 1). So all you really need to be paying is $40, right? If you are paying 60% more than the $40 you need to pay, (sentence 3) you will be paying $64. So what is it Optonline? Could small businesses save 60% or are they maybe paying 60% too much. There is a huge difference between the two.

I mislaid something. I searched like crazy both before going to work and after getting back, before deciding that I might as well just go and buy another. I had a sense that while on this unplanned excursion to the Eckerd Drugs on 3rd Avenue, 2 blocks from me, I would see something to make the whole thing worthwhile. Never could I have imagined that I would be treated to the once-in-a-lifetime experience that I witnessed with my own two eyes. I’m not sure I would have believed it if someone was telling me the story. Two women were standing at the roadside, waiting to use the ‘Pedestrian Crossing’ just beyond 71st Street, and a vehicle stopped for them. Honest! You can’t make this stuff up! While the women were crossing, a vehicle coming the opposite direction, the driver appearing more than somewhat confused, also stopped! (Although in her case, the alternative could have been quite messy!) Surely, the driver of the first vehicle was an out-of-towner!

The English have had Crumpets for hundreds of years, and I’d challenge anyone to find anything other good, old fashioned (mass produced) Crumpets in any supermarket. Flavours? I don’t think so!

Crumpets have not proven easy to find here in New York, so I was surprised to go into Trader Joe’s and find them. The problem actually, was finding plain ones! There were, however, plenty of packages of Cinnamon flavoured. I mentioned this to a couple of people, who had similar responses - that Americans like variety and choices. But I have a different take. See how long it takes you to catch my drift.

You can get Cinnamon Raisin English Muffins, Cinnamon Scones, Cinnamon Waffles, Apple Cinnamon Pancakes, Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal, Apple Cinnamon Pop Tarts, Cinnamon Challah, Cinnamon French Toast and so on. There’s far more difference between regular Crumpets, Scones, Challah and Waffles than there is in the Cinnamon versions of each. Variety? I think not!! It is actually turning a lot of quite different things into somewhat less different things. The other pattern to be seen here, of course, is that Americans apparently REALLY like cinnamon!

I always found it amusing that New York’s Irish Pubs consider Corned Beef and Cabbage to be a traditional Irish dish, thinking that Irish Corned Beef, much the same as English Corned Beef, comes out of a can, most often branded Fray Bentos, and is packed in Argentina (formerly in the town of Fray Bentos, Uraguay, I understand). This meat product has no resemblance to New York Corned Beef, and little resemblance to Beef! Whereas, it turns out, Corned Beef was written of as an ancient Irish delicacy, I saw this on not a single menu during the months I worked in Dublin, and the several Irishmen whom I work with, either have never heard of this dish, or had seen it over there, but as described by me, from a can. I have it on good authority that what is found over here is actually the Irish American equivalent of the Boiled Bacon and Cabbage favoured in Ireland itself.

Things you are unlikely to find in Ireland on St. Patrick’s Day: Green Soda Bread, Green Beer, Green Eggs and Ham, and ‘Irishman for a day’ themed badges (although I suppose they would largely be unnecessary!) that at least used to be so popular here. Not sure if they still are. I find the excess so obscene that I run home before the main madness begins. It is just an excuse to get loud, drunk and obnoxious.

“At the end of the day….” If I heard this rarely, it wouldn’t be too bad. But some people in England seem unable to speak without this sprinkled liberally in their conversation.

“I’m a glass half full person” (or the variation, “my glass is always half full”- well use a smaller glass then!) This is most popular in women’s personal ads. I’m sure it was cute the first thousand or so times I heard it, but it is heavily overused. Many moons ago, the word for this was optimist.

“Same difference”. My question: ”as what and what?

In England, people say “I couldn’t care less!” This conveys a message that they really don’t give a damn! Americans, for some reason, have the phrase: “I could care less”, which conveys to me that either, they care sufficiently that it is indeed possible that they might be able to care less, or that they have a very stupid phrase which conveys the exact opposite of their intent!

Well, maybe these phrases do annoy me, but at the end of the day, I’m a glass half full person and whatever people say, it’s the same difference, so I could care less.

I went into Exchange Café on Lower Broadway, to get a salad, but decided on a whim to get a sandwich. Last year, they never seemed to have my preferred mustard, Dijon, so I would usually get chipotle mayo instead:

“Can I have a Grilled Chicken and Avocado please?”
“Would you like Lettuce and Tomato?”
“No thanks. What mustard and mayo do you have?”

He smears some mayo on the bread.

“No, I don’t want regular mayo. I’m asking what mustard and mayo you have!”
“Let me know as soon as you’ve decided.”
“I’m asking you a question!” I repeated it again.
“Whatever you want. Just ask!”
“What I want, is Dijon!”
“OK. We have that.”
“Great!”

He smears mustard on the bread and scoops lettuce in his tongs.
“You want lettuce?”
“No. I want avocado!”
“We don’t have any avocado!”

I had the salad after all!

Joe Wilson goes to Niger to investigate the validity of (forged) documents used by Cheney to help start a war. Cheney, the man with the ugliest mouth ever, (How does he make it go square and make his top lip quiver like that when he talks?! It’s like something from a cartoon!) doesn’t like this, and orders his aide, ‘Scooter’ Libby, to break the law and ‘out’ Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame, a CIA spy. ‘If you hurt me, I’ll hurt you!’ Is that playground justice? You just know the man was a bully at school. Pity he never grew out of it!

In war, if a foot soldier follows orders and commits war crimes, who is really to blame? If the foot soldier goes about his business gleefully, he is certainly guilty. But never as much as the person who gives the orders. I hope this nasty Vice President, who is as ugly inside as out, gets his comeuppance. His lies have been the prime reason for over 600,000 deaths. And either Bush is guilty at least by association, or he is blind and stupid. Either way, not much of a leader of the free world!

Into the second half of March 1980, the cold, like none I had ever previously experienced, quickly transformed into glorious warmth. I had a serious case of Spring Fever and my new friends, Carolyn, Frank, Arline and Trinity had introduced me to Washington Square Park, which was in the midst of its heyday. This was to become my home from home after work and at weekends. Whether we were joining in a singing circle or just hanging out with the park kids, we became part of ‘the scene’. I met Peter May, who was never seen without his guitar. I wonder if he ever made any real money from his music. He was neither the best singer nor a great guitarist. But he could carry any crowd and had great energy and enthusiasm. After making some money playing for transients, he would play for his friends for free.

Towards the end of the month, I met my friends in the park in 70+ degree weather. I was wearing what was then my favourite shirt – a now obscene sounding blue tank top with a red trim around the collar and arm holes – fine if you are young and skinny and the year is 1980! In my experience to date, if the temperature is that warm in the early evening, it will remain very pleasant after dark. But my previous experience had all been in London. And New York weather does not play by London rules!

Carolyn, Frank and myself went to see The Jam at the Palladium. Great show, of course. Anyone lucky enough to have seen them will know just how good they were live. As I recall, we were in the theatre for not much more than 2 hours and I was in for the shock of my life. And Frank got one of the best laughs of his life! The temperature had dropped into the 30s. I felt myself turn scarlet as the cold hit my skin. I heard myself say “Ooh! Let’s take a cab back! I’m paying!” I ran into 14th Street, taking my life in my hands, not willing to take the chance of missing the Taxi that happened along at just the right moment. I never took New York weather for granted again!

Directions on Aveeno Intense Relief Medicated Therapy Lip Balm: “Apply as needed. Children under 2 years, ask a doctor.” Damn! Kids must be smart these days!

As I left work today, the wind was blowing snow into my face. Not the very worst of conditions, but not a leisurely Sunday stroll either. I needed to cross Trinity Street to get to the R train. An oncoming car slowed, then turned right, up Rector Street. He didn’t signal. Certainly, this wasn’t dangerous to me, as this all too common thoughtlessness or selfishness is for other motorists. But he was in the comfort of his car as I and my fellow pedestrians were braving the elements. Had he signalled, we could have crossed a few uncomfortable seconds earlier. This is a prime example of Human Ostrich Syndrome. So many people have their heads so far up their own backsides, all they can see is their own shit!

I just saw a commercial for Keri Shae Butter. Their slogan is ‘feel beautiful’. Just before the end, the voiceover says: “Feel like a woman inside and out.” I tend to use skin creams to soothe dry skin. I have no desire to feel like a woman inside or out. Perhaps some guys might think differently!

The Captivate Network, which delivers news, weather, trivia and more to elevator riders here in New York, is informing readers that Wall Street has "shrugged off ho-hum forecasts by Dell Computers.” I wonder if the reaction would have been so blasé if the forecasts had been la-di-dah!

I am expecting a delivery from FedEx. The estimated delivery date was Feb 28th. Indeed, the package tracking page shows that it was loaded onto the delivery van at 7:02am on Wednesday, Feb 28th. As of 11am Thursday however, I have still not received my package. Has anybody seen a FedEx van parked for an unusually long time and/or a highly disoriented or flustered man in a FedEx uniform? He may be walking aimlessly or be seen consulting maps for an inordinate amount of time. Perhaps any officers of the law reading this might be able to tie my missing package to a missing person’s report. How selfish of me, worrying about my package, when a family somewhere may be missing their husband/father/son!

Today in AM New York (one of the free papers), there was a picture of 2 very beautiful models who, the caption informed readers, were promoting the latest Victoria’s Secret bra. They were wearing clingy sweaters, which revealed that they clearly were not actually in need of bras. So this was not aimed at women. And, I venture to suggest, that while men might indeed find the faces (and perhaps legs – they were wearing rather short skirts!) of these models most appealing, we are unlikely to rush to the website or the closest store to buy this bra for our significant others if we are not shown some lace and some serious cleavage! Perhaps, the thought now dawns on me, the paper got it wrong, and this was a picture from the ready to wear collection? Certainly someone got it wrong!